God, Guilt, and Running to be a Better Person

I thought about holiness on my run today. Pretty heavy duty for a Sunday morning.

Ever since I was diagnosed with blood clots in my legs and lungs last month, I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility to live a more righteous life. I feel like if I do the wrong thing, that somehow God is going to punish me by giving me more clots or some other health problem to teach me a lesson. Seems silly, I know, but this feeling may be due, in part, to the promise I made God when I was admitted to the hospital last month. I told him that if He got me past this and let me live, I would try to be a better person and live more righteously.

It’s not as easy as I first thought it would be. Forbidden apples and judgements are everywhere. Now I question every decision, every action, every judgement, and feel enormously guilty all the time. It’s been hard for me to relax and just live. I feel I should be doing something more.

I suppose that’s one of the reasons I run—to be someone better.

I think I need to get back to what it truly means to be a runner, to live a life worth meaning. And to keep my holy promise.